48th book of 2019.
Came into this book expecting to hate it. I was asked, ‘What’s your love language?’ and none fit, so I assumed the framework was broken. Only read the book to make sure I wasn’t missing anything before dismissing the idea altogether.
So it was surprising to find useful advice. The most important takeaway for me was a thorough argument for using the platinum rule to relationships — don’t love others as you want to be loved, love others in the ways that they want to be loved. None of the natural love languages are natural to me, so it’s great to get a guide for the crazy ways others might want to receive affection.
Another good takeaway for me was the way to get a partner to speak your love language is through making an effort for a sustained period of time, followed by a request in terms of what your own love language would be. The analogy of an emotional gas tank feels right to me, with the idea that any request from a partner is going to require fuel in the tank, and before any requests should be made, the key is to make sure that the tank is full. When the tank gets empty, that’s when the problems arise.
The five love languages are: Words of affirmation (or at least refraining from words of criticism) Acts of service Gift giving Physical Touch Quality Time
Reading through the book didn’t help me discover my love languages, but it did provide a valuable framework for how I can be a better partner, with actionable advice.
There’s plenty to dislike in this book, from gentle admonitions to ‘rely on Jesus’ to all sorts of heteronormative 1950’s Americana stereotypes. But in the end the advice was useful and the rest is easy to ignore.